Phew . . .

Well, life got in the way and I got off course and then I made a conscious decision to just stay off course. I mean, for me personally, trying to make it through the holiday season is almost impossible unless the good habits are firmly in place and mine were not.

I haven't weighed in to assess the damage. I am trying to just hang on until Monday. I have full intentions of getting it all back together then but I am fully aware that I will likely be starting over from square one. It sucks, but I've done it to myself and that's that.

Every so often I try to become a vegetarian. And I am really good about it as long as no one else gets involved. For example, on my last attempt my friends decided to eat at Chick-Fil-A and my choices were limited but I did the best I could and then they grilled me about what I was eating and then I got lectures about the dairy and it was that whole my god, if you're not doing this perfectly then why even bother attitude. I always eventually throw in the towel. I tend to try it at the beginning of every year because I am so burned out on the rich food. I felt it the other day when I made my grocery list and I was doing the meats and none of it even sounded good.

So, I've decided to take a slower, more flexible approach. If I am stuck in a situation where there just is no option that's meatless, then maybe I will have a little without calling the whole thing off. And maybe I eventually will reach a point where I just won't eat in those circumstances. I am also planning to start doing my shopping at Whole Foods. I don't expect my family to veg out with me but I would like them eating a better quality of meat. So, I'm off for a few more days, but I'll be back!

Gimme some Coke Zero, man!

OK, I'm kidding. Mostly. But this sucks. I realized upon giving up my beloved Coke Zero that one thing it does for me is allow me to have something sweet in my mouth all day long. That's not good, I guess and probably better that I cut that out. But I find myself really missing it and that's hard. I have been having a cup of tea in the mornings with a packet of Stevia (or in my case "Purevia"). I feel like it's better than artificial sweeteners. But I am inclined to switch to honey and suck up the extra calories. (Sorry, I cannot drink my tea unsweetened. It's yucky.)

My husband and I had "the talk" last night, as we periodically do, about buying better food. Although I am a stay-at-home mom, contrary to popular belief, this does not mean we are wealthy people. So, I clip coupons and try to save as much on food as I can while still making sure there's plenty to eat. But as parents, we realize that we can do better, it's just so hard to release that extra cash. I'm going to figure it out though. I need to find a way to make it work. I can shop Whole Foods just like I do Kroger - what's on sale thins week? It'll cost more but maybe I can keep it from going into the astronomical range. And the biggest culprit is meat. So, the obvious answer is to reduce our consumption. We can afford to do this, we just haven't made it a priority like we should.

So, this morning I did not want to go to the gym. So much so that I contemplated not going at all, then I put it off for a little bit this morning so I could watch The Defenders. But int he end I went and had an amazing workout, my time on the elliptical was better than usual. Maybe P!nk helped, I don't know. But I am glad I went. Now I am going to vegetate for a bit!

Somebunny likes me!

Dillypoo over at Dillypoo Chatter thinks I am versatile!



Dillypoo has provided me with much inspiration that I can not only reach my goal but that I can actually look younger when I do! Phew! Thanks for your story and your photos, they give me hope.

Anyhoo, by accepting the Versatile Blogger Award, I have to:

* Thank and link back to who gave me the award.
* Share seven things about myself.
* Pass it along to seven blogs I've recently discovered and enjoy.
* Leave the recipients a note telling them about the award.


Thank you Casey for giving me something to blog about this weekend (and for being an awesome friend and office mate).

Now for seven random things about me:

1.) I love John Mayer. I don't care that he says inappropriate things. OK, well I care but it doesn't make me love him any less.

2.) I am wearing silver toenail polish.

3.) My guilty pleasure is Bravo TV and its many awesome reality shows, The Real Housewives of New York and New Jersey, The Rachel Zoe Project, Flipping Out, Top Chef in all its varieties.

4.) I have a fascination with all things "weird." I love aliens, ghosts and cryptozoology - Bigfoot, Chupacabras.

5.) I love to scrapbook.

6.) I play World of Warcraft. Yes, I am a geek.

7.) I still haven't put away my Halloween decorations. :(

Dillypoo wrote: "Now it's my turn to pass along the award to seven bloggers I like. This is a challenge for me for two reasons. First, I'm a lousy commenter on blogs and therefore don't have as many blog buddies as I'd like. It's something I'm working on. Second, most of the blogs I follow don't seem to be the kind of blogs that pass along blog awards, so we'll see what happens!"

I feel kinda silly even posting this as Dillypoo, you seem to be my only reader! Haha! So, I think I will forego passing this on for now. I am working on the commenting on other blogs thing myself!

Rehab.

I am drinking my last Coke Zero. I hope. I was drinking it last night even as I wrote that entry and I capped the rest and saved it for this morning. If I were truly strong I would have poured it down the drain but I knew I'd need caffeine this morning and I figured I should savor the last one. I'm going to switch wholesale to water, except I have to get caffeine somehow. Coffee or tea, I guess.

My name is Tracey, and I'm a Coke Zero addict.

I periodically go vegetarian, usually for a few months, until I get fed up with the inconvenience and give up. I also periodically decide I am going to eat ultra healthy until I give in and have some Baked Lay's. But I feel like more and more of it sticks with me each time. I do vacillate between wanting to never eat crap again and not wanting to never be able to eat even a little crap again. Ha! My biggest demon is diet soda. I have tried repeatedly to break the addiction. I don't know why I cannot but I suspect, in all seriousness, that there is something addictive in them other than the caffeine. Even when I replace the caffeine with something else, I crave the soda. For weeks, until I give in. I have got to figure out how to get rid of that stuff once and for all. Some research suggests it might be the aspartame that's addictive. Some of the sites I find look a little "wackadoo" but I know something is going on in that can. I just need to commit to not ingesting that stuff in any form. I can't really think of any sources other than the diet soda where I get it, but I surely must get off that soda.

Alrighty then!

Not following any specific eating plan despite my thinking I would. The menus in the book have been very good for individual meals and snacks. I've reduced my gym time to 30 minutes of intervals on the elliptical and have not taken up running again. And I am already three pounds down this week. Interesting!

I'm still trying to reconcile my feelings about fat acceptance with my feelings about myself. And I think that while my personal choices wouldn't be kosher in FA circles, it doesn't matter because I am not going onto their turf and trying to convince them of their validity. I think that loving my body entails taking care of it and loving myself means doing that in a way that doesn't make me miserable. The acceptance comes by accepting the pace at which this happens and making peace with whatever weight at which my body settles.

I see what I did there . . .

I realized today that part of my anger over these weight-related articles I am reading is my old fat acceptance ideals popping up. Once upon a time I decided that I was just going to accept this body and love it and treat it well and live happily ever after. I read blogs on the topic and articles and I got it, I really did. I am totally on board with it. But for some reason that I don't understand and therefore can't explain, I can't apply it to me. So, it's why I don't want to diet but don't mind exercising. I just want the pounds to come off because I eat "right" and take care of my body. In other words, I want to accept my body and love it and treat it well but I want the end result of that to be pounds coming off, not me being forever fat. Yeah.

I just get so angry that we're dismissed out of hand as being gluttonous, fat pigs. While I realize that there are people for whom that is accurate, almost everyone has a story that makes things harder. You know we're always being told how "easy" it is, and it's a "choice" to be fat. What about the person who was raised from birth on garbage? What about women like me who suffered through postpartum depression and ate away the pain? What about people who have illnesses? Just because people overeat, or eat the wrong things, doesn't mean they're pigs.

Why does the Fat Acceptance thought process make so much sense to me and yet I cannot apply it to myself? I guess on some level I clearly have not internalized the message as the mere fact that I remain dissatisfied with my body means I don't accept it. I don't even know what my point is, other than I am just very conflicted.

I really gotta stop reading stupid people.

There is this advice column thing on CNN that I read yesterday. Boyfriend Has Issues with my Weight. In the letter, the author states that she is a small/medium shirt size and a size 8 but her boyfriend told her that her weight was an issue. The comments blew me away. Far too many to be all trolling for attention - she shouldn't have let herself go like that, a size 8 is getting up there, if she's short that's pretty obese, he's only concerned about her health, if it bothers her she should do something about it. Look, I am short. I am 5'2" and when I was a size 8, I wasn't model thin but I was nowhere near obese. Some people tried to point that out, they were called liars. Our society has really devolved into believing that anything other than model thin, size zero is fat. It's kind of disgusting. It's one thing to teach people that fat isn't healthy but it's quite another when people believe that anything less than perfection is fat and therefore they have the right to call you names. We need some more education out there other than "fat is bad." We need to stop looking at BMI, which has no accounting for muscle mass, we need to help women and men understand that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that for some people, no amount of weight loss will change a person's proportions. If you're pear shaped, you're pear shaped. You can be a smaller pear but you will still be a pear.

Let's try this again.

I had a post all written out last night and when I hit publish it disappeared into the ether. I think it has something to do with image upload feature which gave me fits this morning.

So, yesterday didn't go quite as planned. I went up to my son's school to wrap up my project and realized I had a task to do that took hours of being on my feet. And I had to go grocery shopping. My meals were OK (see photo) but a workout never happened because my feet hurt, a lot. But, I checked in with the Wii Fit this morning and I was down two pounds, which is odd, but I'll take it. 189.5 Sort of in the 180's but I'm not celebrating yet.

Things have been a little rough around here. My teenager's girlfriend broke up with him and he's really sad and had a bit of a mini-meltdown this morning. Presumably about science class but I think he's just really stressed out. So I have not exercised yet but I am thinking about hitting the gym since it's cold outside. I haven't decided whether I want to resume or re-start the Couch to 5K. I wasn't feeling it like I thought I would. Maybe when I am smaller and running isn't so hard.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow . . .

you're only a day away! I am looking forward to tomorrow for so many reasons. Getting back on track with this weight loss effort is just one of them.

My big project at my kid's school - clean up the decorations in the morning and I am done.

Halloween - over.

My mom - gone.

The house - pretty clean!

I need to grocery shop and I must work out but I am really inclined to nap again tomorrow. I was up very late last night driving home from the haunted festival we went to. Up too early and no sleep since my little guy crawled into bed with us. He enjoyed the festival but he's just at that age where it was fun but still freaked him out a bit. I napped today but it wasn't a good one and I will be up too late again tonight watching the Ghost Hunters live special. (scratch that, I will record it and watch it un-live tomorrow, I'm pooped!) And my feet are killing me from all of the walking last night and trick or treating tonight. I feel like I could sleep for days. I'm so drained from all of the stuff of life these past few days and now that it's over that deep sense of relief kicks in. For a little bit anyway and then we have THE HOLIDAYS! *horror movie scream*

I just hopped on the Wii Fit to ensure that I have not, in fact, gained back the entire ten pounds. It shows me at eight down. Two to re-lose, maybe a wee bit less since we tend to weigh more at night, plus I have a late dinner sitting in my tummy. I am not thrilled about it, no. But considering how completely off-course I have been, that's actually not bad. One of my favorite blogs to read is Escape from Obesity. She wrote the other day about the key being to never give up. I find myself really feeling that way this time. Instead of throwing out the baby with the bath water I am telling myself, OK, so you took a breather, not ideal but get going again. This is something I normally do not do. It's progress.

Duh.

I constantly wonder why I am so tired. I think because I don't weigh a giant number, that I, and the people around me, forget that it's all relative. I am carrying around at least 60 extra pounds on a tiny frame. I am 5'2" on a good day and I am not big-boned. Geez, now that I think about it, yeah it makes sense that I am constantly exhausted. I wish I could say that I am starting JW's program today, or tomorrow. But I need to shop. Tomorrow is date night. This weekend is a baseball tournament, Halloween and my mother is likely to be in town. It's not going to happen until Monday. Another flippin' Monday. Wait til Monday. I'll start on Monday. *sigh*

I think I need to steer clear of the Internets.

Between the people saying that fat people are gross and curly hair is gross, I have no self esteem left. I mean, look, I know better. People tell me all the time how great my curls are and how they can't believe my hair just does that all on its own. The fat part is harder to gloss over. I know, I know I shouldn't care what random idiots on the internet think. But it still stings.

However, I did happen upon something quite helpful. I was looking through my book that I plan to use and saw some menus. Normally, those diet book menus suck. I don't like half the food or they ask me to eat some weird tiny portion, like three olives, leaving me with a bunch of the whatever left over. The first menu was for "people who like to cook." It was OK, seven days of meals. But then there was the menu for "noncookers." This was so excellent. Simple, simple stuff. Very little processed crap, a slice of bread here, a pita pocket there. I added up a day and it was about 1500 calories. And it was thirty days!

I don't suffer from any delusions that I can follow this menu perfectly every single day, but I think that if I give it my best, it will really, really help me. And JW (Jackie Warner, the author) allows for two cheat meals per week. The holidays are coming, I can't and won't be perfect, as I said. But I can stick to it most days, I reckon! No one is shopping for me or handing me the food, but the menu is planned and making a list from that is easy. And the dinners call for four ounces of a protein, so I can just cook a pork tenderloin for the whole family, for example, and weigh out my portion.

I won't pretend I don't hate measuring and counting. But I have to get disciplined for this to happen. Suck it up and do the work. No more trying to wing it, that's clearly not working for me.

Marie Claire strikes again!

You can read the "lovely" article here.

Should anyone ever wonder why I am loathe to use the strength training portion of my gym? Try this quote on for size:

"To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room."

Now, I don't know whether I meet the author's definition of a very, very fat person. But I meet mine and thus I automatically insert myself in that scenario. That article got a lot of comments expressing dismay at the attitude but subsequent articles about the fallout have discussions in their comments sections about fat people that are disturbing, to say the least.

I don't want to lift weights at my gym because I worry that people are wrinkling their noses in disgust at the fat lady on the pec deck. Now I know it's not all in my head. I'll just do my strength work at home, thanks.

In the interest of full disclosure...

I find myself repeatedly falling off of the wagon and finding it harder and harder to get back on. The damage isn't bad. I was up two pounds yesterday. I didn't check today. I tried on a shirt yesterday that clung to me like shrink wrap. I cried and cried. I am already so tired of this journey and it has only just begun. I haven't even been working out lately!

I have written before about how I don't want to follow any rules but I am wondering if I need some rules. If I had the cash, I would do Jenny Craig. I would love for someone to hand me a menu and the food, no planning, no shopping, no cooking. But that is just not in the budget right now. What is in the budget, that I have yet to do for myself, is to buy the food I need. I keep trying to buy the usual foods for my family and just control my portions. We don't eat crazy, there's not tons of junk food laying around, but at the same time I am not buying myself all of the healthy things I need because I am worried about adding to the grocery budget. I mean, I can't cook for me and get my kids to eat it. I make things I know they'll like and eat. Again, they don't eat poorly but it's not always the best choice for someone trying to lose weight.

So last night I watched the season finale of Thintervention and I was really impressed by the numbers they put up. They weren't Biggest Loser crazy kind of numbers but it was better than the old 1-2 pounds a week standby. I've got the book they used as their eating plan and I've read most of it. I'll admit, I thought it was "too hard." But I am starting to think I need some more structure, so maybe I'll give it a whirl. I'm going to sit down with the spouse and talk about the grocery budget and what I need. If I do go with this program I need to really commit to it. That means eating what I am supposed to eat, and that means cooking a separate meal for myself. And getting back to the gym/running.

Yeah, I could have abandoned this blog, or came back to pretend I have been super busy and all is well. But the truth is, I have been super busy but all is not well. I am in fail mode. I need to fix it. Immediately.

Oh and p.s. I'll be quite happy with the 1-2 pound/week standby, my point is really that they got results.

Eating.

I was pleased to read this post today by a blogger called MizFit. I was actually thinking about my eating "plan" earlier today which has been to just try and eat "better." I don't want to count calories or track my food and I don't/can't, even when I try to, I just always forget about it. So I have been just listening to my body, trying to eat when I am hungry and don't when I am not. My choices aren't always perfect. In fact, I know that a lot of what I eat could be better and that's what I need to work on. I was wondering earlier today in fact, since I am losing weight so slowly, but am losing it, if I should just continue on this course. I think yes. Would I like this process to be faster? Yes. Maybe it will be faster if I improve the quality of my food more, but yeah, I need to keep beating down the voice in my head telling me to eat less and less.

I need to switch from Cheerios to oatmeal. I need to stop eating granola bars filled with chocolate. But I need to also give up any expectation of perfection. Because not only am I not going to achieve it, I don't really want to. I want to have Chick-Fil-A or Subway now and then. I want to enjoy an ice cream cone every once in a while. But most of the time, I need to be eating much, much better. I am getting there, slowly but surely. Except for today, when hormones compelled me to wolf down far too much "trail mix" aka peanuts, raisins and chocolate chips. Oops. Back on the horse right now, not tomorrow. Pork loin, rice and Brussels sprouts for dinner.

Thinking . . .

Do I want to expand this blog to include more of myself and my interests and not just this weight loss journey? Hmm . . . .

Meaty!

I have been running around all day, volunteering at the school, grocery shopping, even got my workout in. And I came in from shopping just a bit ago and had my choice of snacks and chose . . . sliced chicken breast. I thought I would want the granola bar, but then I realized, no, I really want that pack of chicken right there. That's pretty darn huge for me! I mean, honestly, my eating is nowhere near perfect but this shows me that the changes I am making are working and clearly my body is sending out new signals. I'm glad about that.

So, thinking today and I was thinking about how in this society we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. If you're fat, you should get up off of your lazy ass and do something. But when you do, every choice you make will be judged. Should you really eat that? Aren't you doing too much? Not enough? And if someone doesn't know how hard you work to lose weight they automatically assume that you "did" something. I was reading a blog a while back where someone who had lost a lot of weight ran into someone she hadn't seen in a while and they just assumed she had had weight loss surgery. This isn't a judgment about the surgery itself for those in genuine need, but I think it's telling that we've come to a place where this is the default assumption.

I was reading a little article about Kelly Osbourne the other day. She has lost quite a bit of weight but it has been over quite a long period of time. The comments on the article were various people insisting she's back on drugs or had surgery or "another Hollywood bimbo with an eating disorder." Despite the fact that this weight loss wasn't overnight, no one believed she could have done it any other way. (I know the rags have said she has a thyroid condition she refuses to treat but I don't believe tabloids. I'd have to hear her say that.)

No matter how much a celeb loses or how slowly they lose it, the media will call it "massive amounts" and say it was "lost quickly." And it's dangerous and unhealthy but HEY! Watch the Biggest Loser! We can't win. There are conflicting messages about everything. What to eat, to exercise or not, how to exercise, how much to lose per week. If you focus on yourself too much, you're selfish and/or obsessive but HEY! Watch the Biggest Loser! Now I do watch the Biggest Loser but I am aware that those numbers are unrealistic for me and I don't care right now if anyone calls me selfish or obsessive just because I am doing the work I need to do to get this weight off. But I think about all of the other people out there who don't know that. A while back I had some friends who went on Weight Watchers together. The first week they lost about seven pounds each. The second they lost 2-3 and were so upset and I knew that they wouldn't continue much longer (and they didn't). No amount of explaining could make them understand that the 2-3 was normal and the 7 pounds were the anomaly.

And amidst all of this chaos and commotion we wonder why so many people don't know how to lose the weight. I saw a comment on a weight loss message board from someone who was surprised that sugar had calories. She was making a big pitcher of iced tea every night and sweetening it with sugar and someone told her how many calories are in cup. She was shocked.

We're just a mess aren't we?

Successful Weekend?

I don't want to jinx myself but maybe? I checked in this morning and the weight was good. Today hasn't been terribly off-course, though I didn't get my planned run, so I hope to see tomorrow that I did indeed maintain. I'm getting better about not going nuts when I get put in situations I can't control. Or, *gasp* even choosing to eat something like fast food. I'm eating smaller amounts, having fruit instead of fries, suggesting places like Subway when we need to eat on the run. I am learning how to handle weekends because most of them are spent revolving around baseball and therefore, many times, fast food. I need to get better at planning ahead and taking my own healthy snacks. And boy, water! We were at the ball park yesterday for over 12 hours and I drank way too much diet soda. I have really weaned myself down to one a day or less. I could tell I drank too much, my stomach was not happy. And it made me realize that I used to drink that much on a regular basis. Yikes! Next time, one caffeinated drink to start my day and then nothing but water.

Bleh...

I didn't sleep well last night. I think because I have been trying to be very good about not having caffeine too late in the day and last night we went to Subway after my son's concert and without thinking about it I got a diet Coke. :/ I had a lot of trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Oh, and my big toenail has, well, issues and it was hurting and I kept snagging it on the blanket so I had to get up in the middle of the night and bandage it up. So, yeah I am not feeling like running today. But I think I am going to do it anyway.

I have been sitting here this morning reading about the "drama." I am nosy and curious, so I really hate it when someone writes something like "I'm sure you have all heard about the drama, I am not going to go into it but . . . " No, I hadn't heard, but now I have and I don't know what you're talking about and now I am peeking out my curtains trying to see what's going on! Hehe! But I have powerful Google-fu and tracked it down. You can read it about it here, if you also don't know what drama. I think the six blogs in question look like they'd be interesting to read and I am adding them to my Google Reader to see. I don't think Marie Claire was trying to increase their blogs' readership but that's likely to be the effect.

I think I am going to need a nap, I say that a lot but rarely follow through. However, I am pretty sure I mean it today. Should I nap pre or post-run? That is the question.

Ten pounds gone!

I finally hit the ten pound mark today! Of course, it's entirely my fault that I got sidetracked and took so long to do it. Almost seven weeks, yikes. That's better than nothing, of course, so I won't complain.

I just looked at the blog of someone who just reached her goal weight. And I am crying because it gave me so much hope. I am secretly terrified of aging and I have been so scared that when the fat leaves my face, I will look older. I have seen lots of people that happens to but I guess it's because they are older. This woman is also in her 40's and she looks so much younger now. Wow! What an incentive to keep going!

I have been busy with a big project at my son's school and so I am having to interact with people. I don't like to do that much and it's partially because I am fat. But it's really because I'm weird. And no one wants to be the weird fat lady. You can better get away with the weird when you're stylish. Now, that's not to say that fat people can't be stylish, they certainly can. But I am not. I am a very casual kind of gal. I wear my Halloween t-shirts year-round. That's just one of my quirks. Weird, fat lady. I'm so afraid that's me. But I was thinking about that today and how even if people really aren't thinking that (and I hope they're not) that people don't know the real me. This sad, sloppy person isn't who I am. Well, ok, even when I get thin I'll probably still schlep up to school in leggings and a t-shirt, but you can get away with that better when you're thin. You ever notice that? A fat lady throws her hair up and runs out the door in sweats and no makeup she's a slob, a skinny gal does it and it's so refreshing to see someone go natural! Pffft. I need to get my groove back.

Another thing I was thinking during this discourse with myself is that I am so tired of my life not being what I want it to be, but the saddest part of that is that the things that need fixing are totally fixable, I just "ain't done it." I'm trying now though. Ten pounds gone and I am even tackling Mount Washmore in my bedroom. I will get where I want to be. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like but I'll get there.

People suck.

I'm going to rant a little today. I have always tried to prepare healthy meals for my family, including fresh fruits and vegetables. According to "someone" commenting on a news article the other day, I should be thin! Because if you look at the carts of fat people, you will find them filled with garbage, junk food. But the thin people will have carts loaded with fruits and veggies. I, of course, replied and told them that my cart would surely make their brain implode but it irritates me because there are loads of skinny people out there that think they know us fat people so well and think they know just what our problem is. It's just so simple, they tell us.

sim·ple
   /ˈsɪmpəl/ [sim-puhl],-pler, -plest
–adjective
1.
easy to understand, deal with, use, etc.: a simple matter; simple tools.
2.
not elaborate or artificial; plain: a simple style.

Yep, it's simple. Eat less, move more, lose weight. Simple.

But it is not easy.

eas·y
   /ˈizi/ [ee-zee],eas·i·er, eas·i·est
–adjective
1.
not hard or difficult; requiring no great labor or effort: a book that is easy to read; an easy victory.
2.
free from pain, discomfort, worry, or care: He led an easy life.

No, decidedly not easy.

I'm pooped.

I am so very tired today. So tired, that I decided to listen to my body and stay home from the gym. I've had four strong workouts this week and I will run again tomorrow so I am not stressing about it. What I would really like to do is take a nap. And maybe I will. But I need to clean the kitchen and straighten the living room. Perhaps if I promise myself the nap, I will get the work done faster.

Well, I didn't pass out.

That's how I felt about my run today. Like the only good thing to say about it was that at least I didn't keel over on the sidewalk. I am really torn on how to proceed. Part of me says, well, you're doing it, albeit barely, so just keep doing it and eventually it will get better. But part of me thinks I should dial it back and proceed at a much slower pace. I don't see how moving on to week 2 of C25K is a good idea right now. So, keep repeating week one until I am not near death or increase the walking time between running intervals? What to do, what to do . . . I wish that the armband that I ordered for my iPod would come. I really hate doing my runs holding that thing in my hand. But I need the podcast to cue me.

Last night I made what is, conceptually, the perfect dinner. Fish tacos. Mahi mahi, coleslaw, corn tortillas. Fish, tons of fresh veggies, low in calories and very delicious. Too bad my kids hated it. :/ My husband loved it so he wants me to make it again and just make them something else or do what he did last night and give them a pizza. Pffft! I hate that. But I also hate the idea of never making that again because my kids didn't like it. This is part of what makes eating right difficult for me. I want to cook meals that everyone will love. I guess I need to learn to accept that it's just not possible.

I hate that I hate this. I can get excited about exercising but that's only about 20% of the equation. I can get excited about good food but I can also get excited about not so good food and that negates everything, which is so unfair and suckish. I wish this process didn't weigh so heavily on me all the time. I wish I was already where I need to be. But as the song says, "If wishes were horses, I'd have a ranch." I just gotta keep kicking myself in the ass. Move along, little dogie.

Another pound gone!

So, after finally reining the eating back in and re-losing two pounds, I am now down another pound for a total of nine pounds gone! I am so glad to be back on track in that department.

On the way to the gym this morning I looked down and noticed that the inner thigh of my shorts had a giant hole in it. It wasn't unexpected because a) I am fat and b) they were just cheap cotton leggings. But I knew that I couldn't go to the gym like that. Fortunately, there's a Target on the way so I now have "real" athletic leggings to wear. But when I was changing at the gym I looked in the mirror and noticed that my shirt had fallen victim to my son's ink pen that went through the wash. It's not the end of the world, I guess. It's a gym shirt. Holes are unacceptable but a few ink marks are tolerable.

Dinner last night was turkey meatballs. So good. My youngest gave them the hairy eyeball but then tasted one and said, "Wow!" My oldest is much better about trying things and he popped one in his mouth as he was preparing his plate and said, "Oh man, these are good meatballs, mom!" Yesh! Ground turkey is quite possibly the world's greatest invention.

I ran again.

I am really liking this site that I found, dailymile. I entered the length of my run and it let me map out my route and told me how long it was, and then calculated my pace. Very nifty! I also got that cool little widget over there! <--- And as the widget notes, I was running a bit too hard today. I am actually surprised that I am even doing it. It's a lot more running than I realized. Had I looked at it more carefully I might have chosen to ease into it differently, but now that I have done it, I know I can, so no going back.

I still haven't started any strength training and I know I really need to. I'll get to it. The eating is going better. I'm not writing down the calories, maybe I should. I'm just sort of keeping a rough total in my head. And here's the thing. I know that if I stay disciplined about it, that can absolutely work for me. So, I just have to keep the focus and not allow myself to go straying again. If I do, I'll have to track 'em.

A New Day

So, today is grocery day. I am going to plan better and thus, eat better. I really hate counting calories but I figure if I develop an arsenal of meals and snacks that are already figured out, it will make it easier. I have been reading a lot of blogs, seeing what people do, I like the idea that I can eat literally anything if I have the calories for it. It's a lot like WW points, which to me is just fancy calorie counting. You'll gravitate towards better choices because they tend to be lower in calories but every so often you can splurge and have that treat. And I'll keep Friday night dinner as my free meal. Because I haven't gone shopping yet, my choices today have been sparse and not the best nutritionally but I have counted them!

I RAN!!!

I put on my shoes and did it. I went with my husband, which might not be a good idea. He is way taller than me and I was huffing and puffing through our "warmup" because a slow walk for him is not a slow walk for me. He runs faster, too, obviously. I used a podcast that was not like the Couch to 5K I don't think. 20 minutes in and it was still going, I thought the first run was supposed to be 20 minutes total. So anyway, I have another set of podcasts that are definitely C25K and I will use that on Tuesday and count it as Day 1, we'll call today a trial run.

C25K

I'm going to do it! Spirit of the Marathon was an amazing documentary. I can't explain why but I have always been extremely fascinated by running. I have watched the Ironman Triathlon on television many times and I am always just so completely amazed at what people can do. It moves me when people cross the finish line, I cry with them. So I looked into the Couch to 5K program today, I ordered an armband for my iPod and I downloaded podcasts that cue me when to walk/run during my runs. There is a big marathon here in Dallas in early December and I really want to go watch. There's a health and fitness expo, too, so that will be very cool! I worry about running while I am still overweight but I think of this guy and I know I can do it. The last time I ran a 5K was 12 or 13 years ago. It was the Cowtown 5K in Fort Worth. That race is in February. I think I'd like to start by doing it again, so that's my first goal. I can't wait!

Two Posts in One Day!

So, it turns out it was just a glitch and I am now approved to volunteer at school. Yay. But I had turned in an application also to be a substitute teacher and now I am nervous that my application for THAT was rejected due to the glitch that called me a criminal. :/

OK, so, I joined the Biggest Loser Club online when I began this journey. I did it because I got three free books for joining. You can see I am a sucker for books, eh? Anyway, be wary of joining. Whenever I email them their computer chooses some random keyword from the email and spits back the most bizarre responses. I ended up having to call about my books only to be told, oh YOU don't get the free books. No explanation. So I demanded a refund and lo and behold, they decided I could have them after all. But they never came so I called the other day and got some wacky woman who told me that they were on the way and I should send them back when they arrive. Um, OK? She got kind of snarky with me when I asked her why. More time goes by and I call again to get a shipping date and get a lecture about how I should be patient because they take 5-10 business days, pause, realizes it's well past ten days and says, uh but sometimes longer!

Anyway, they finally arrived today, along with the Jackie Warner book I ordered on Wednesday. So, lots of reading to do! I already looked through the Biggest Loser Family cookbook and I am so pleased. There are lots of really tasty looking things in there that I feel sure my family will actually eat. Yesh! Even though they were pains in the ass over the whole thing, that book looks to be worth its weight in gold. Here's hoping everything tastes as good as it sounds/looks!

I am going to start to spend a little more on groceries. I was whining today about wanting to join Jenny Craig so that someone can just hand me my food. But if I can even consider $100/week for food for myself, I can spend a little more than I have been each week to get things that are fresh and for the whole family.

And now I am going to go watch Spirit of the Marathon. I am so inspired by runners and I so want to become one of them again. But more on that tomorrow . . .

I'm a Child on the Inside

I have really struggled with going to the gym this week. I mean, I did go, Monday through today, an hour of cardio, even when I had morning meetings. Ugh. I just didn't want to! I was plugging away today, pissed off and stressed out and seriously considering shaving off fifteen minutes. But since I had myself as a captive audience, I decided to try and figure out what's going on.I think it comes down to the crappy eating pretty much negating the workouts, which means I am sweating my ass off for no good reason. And of course, that's entirely my own doing. About twelve kinds of ridiculous there.

In addition to being mad at my own self, that's fun, I am incredibly stressed today. My kids' school district requires a criminal background check to do ANYTHING at their school. While it might not be my favorite policy I didn't really worry about it since I always pass it no problem. Until this year. My husband's and mine were not approved and the people I am supposed to call about it don't answer their phones and haven't returned my call. My husband has an incredibly common name, it might as well be John Smith. So I am hoping that it's a mix-up. But that doesn't explain why I am rejected as well unless they auto-reject spouses which is crappy, in my opinion. But part of me has this highly paranoid fear that we did something at some point that we don't even know about and we're about to be arrested and go to jail. Ever watch Tori & Dean and laugh at Tori's irrational fears? Yeah, she ain't got nothin' on me. My friend who works at the school told me it is usually traffic tickets. I know that ain't me so if it is my husband I will hurt him, DUI, same thing, or hot checks. The hot checks makes me nervous even though I rarely even write checks anymore. But I have on a couple of occasions had checks that I was unaware had even bounced come back to haunt me YEARS later. Like back before debit cards, when your check was run through some company, mine passed for years and then one day, poof, a check I had written years earlier suddenly showed up. So I am kind of freaking out thinking this might be the same. Although, I wouldn't think that was CRIMINAL unless it had gone to law enforcement and I would think they would have knocked on my door by now. Who knows? It would sure be nice if these people could return my call.

Creeping Down

My weight is ever so slowly creeping down. I mean like .2 pounds at a time. But I guess it's preferable to going in the opposite direction. I am trying to refocus on eating better. My husband suggested protein bars, which coincidentally I had a couple last week because they were on sale and with a coupon were just fifty cents each. The brand I tried did NOT have a lot of sugar in it and was pretty tasty. But I hate the thought of paying full price for those suckers or for any kind of protein shake. He tells me not to worry about that and I know I shouldn't and yet I still find it hard to spend the money on myself. I feel like I have spent so much on diet "stuff" over the years that I feel guilty every time this sort of issue comes up. Except with books, I can usually justify those to myself, although not always. Maybe I'll go google "delicious protein shake" and "homemade protein bar" and see what I come up with.

Um, oops?

I'm not eating right. I know it. I have to rein myself in somehow. Here's my problem, I just flat-out DO NOT WANT to have to do anything special. I want to eat less but that's about it. I don't want to restrict carbs or fat or eat more protein or count calories or weigh my food. And I totally get that I clearly have to be disciplined to do this, I'm just being honest by saying, "I don't wanna!" I have been very good about going to the gym but one thing I have learned is that the gym isn't where the big numbers come from. Unless maybe you're on the Biggest Loser ranch and working out 6 hours a day. No, my daily 60 minutes of cardio just ain't gonna cut it without the eating to support it. So, what do I do? I order another book. I figure it's not a waste. I enjoy reading, I am curious about some of the finer points of this person's program and I usually take away at least SOMETHING fro every book I read. I don't know if it will be "the plan" for me. Chances are it won't be and that's OK.

I wish I could find it within me to be one of those people who cuts out all sugar or eats "clean" all the time. I HATE not eating when I am hungry. And I hate having to give up things I love. But I hate being fat and something's gotta give. Let me be clear, I am not making any excuses here. I'm just admitting that I am not good at the eating part of my weight loss program and I am fully aware I need to work on it. My weight loss has already stalled out and it is way too early in the game for that.

I watched the season premiere of Biggest Loser last night. Instead of eating ice cream during the show (oh yeah I did that and found it hilarious) I did free step on the Wii Fit. I don't know how many calories that actually burns but hey, it was better than eating ice cream, right? I'm glad the show is back on, it's a motivational boost each week and one that's sorely needed right now. Thintervention is another one I am watching and it's Jackie Warner's book I bought. Man, I'd kill to have the opportunity to be on that show. I'd love to know EXACTLY what those people do every day. I am quite sure, though, that eating Cheetos is not on their plan...

Check Out This Video!

My husband just shared this video with me and thinks that maybe we should set a goal of a marathon?!



Great story!

Eating & Emotions

Feeling better today. My husband and I did a lot of research yesterday and talked to our son quite a bit to really try and lock down a better date of when this pain started. He said it's been going on for about a year. But he has always, since he was a little boy, been way off when talking about time. "Years ago, when I was 5..." and we'd laugh and say "You're only 6 now, dude." Part of why the doctor thought nothing else would work is because it has supposedly been this way for a year. But if it's only been a few months, which we think is the case, then that makes a difference. So anyway, we're going to exhaust all non-surgical options before proceeding with an MRI and surgery. No sports for a while and frankly, I think the kid needs the break, even if he doesn't realize it. He's not complaining AT ALL, which makes me think he must welcome it.

I am glad I didn't "eat down" what I was feeling yesterday. I was hella stressed and cried a lot. I just felt what I felt rather than eating it away. And today is the same day it would have been except that my weight didn't go up. I am the better for feeling the emotions and I know I can do it now. It makes me feel like maybe I am ready to try the things outlined in "Women Food and God" and learn how to eat like a normal person. Time for a re-read.

Week 4, Day 4

Such an incredibly frustrating time I having right now that I can't believe I am not eating my way through it. So I guess the fact that I am not is at least something. My oldest son is an incredibly gifted athlete. I don't say so because I am his mama. Everyone who sees him play tells us so. But we found out today that he will probably have to have surgery on his wrist. It breaks my heart on so many levels. The pain he is going through, the grounding from sports, even his cello will be taken away if he has to have the surgery. And on top of that, as crappy as it is that I must think about it, is the cost. We're already barely treading water at the moment and this is just one more thing. Oh and then there's the possibility that he'll lose range of motion permanently and that adds a whole new dimension of suckitude. But I am not eating my way through this. I am just sitting here crying and feeling crappy, but I'm feeling it, not eating it. Yay me?

I was down another pound today. Eight pounds so far, which is right on target for the pace I set for myself. I did manage to do a whole hour on the elliptical today and my foot is finally feeling better. I do love that elliptical. I always feel so spent after the treadmill. Not in a good way but in a "Oh my gawd, I just walked for an hour and I would like to lie down now" way. When I do the elliptical it's just a totally different feeling. I can't even explain it. Plus, I noticed that with the barefoot shoes, I sounded like I was STOMPING on the treadmill. Clearly, I do walk differently in them and it was weird. And LOUD. And embarrassing!

I was looking at other weight loss blogs the other day and I was looking at someone's before and after photos. It was so inspiring and encouraging to see someone actually DO it. No surgery, no TV show, just hard work. I thought, I'm still in the before shot but man, I CAN get to that after shot! I'm doing it! Eight pounds gone already!

Not Related to Weight Loss

So, I'll want to write about other things from time to time. I will give those posts an actual title other than the week and day. It's funny, I tried to use Blogger before and hated the lack of personalization. So I found this great site today with free backgrounds and such, got all excited and re-did my blog only to find out lots of people are providing free layouts now. Dang! I used to google my fingers off and not find anything! Oh well. I'll probably change it again now that I have even more choices. We'll see!

Just a note . . .

working on the layout!

Hmm, this might be TOO cute. I kinda liked the dark . . .

and done.

Week 4, Day 3

This machine is the one that kicked my ass when I first joined the gym. I tried it out and promptly thought my thighs might be on fire. I don't think I lasted even five minutes. Weeks later I tried it again, same thing. I didn't get it. Old people were on this machine, fat people, how could it hurt me SO BAD and not kill them? Well, yesterday I had to take a day off because the blister on my foot was worse than I imagined and there was another wee one on the same foot. Today I said screw it, I'm going in, it was bearable pain today and constant pain, not getting worse, you know? I figured I would try to do half an hour on the treadmill and see how my feet fared and then move to the recumbent bike when I needed to and take the load off of my feet. As I neared the end of my time on the treadmill, I decided I would try the elliptical again and slowly work my way up to more than 5 minutes. I don't know what went wrong on my first two tries, I suspect I was actually doing it backwards, but this time I got it. And Oh. Em. Gee. It was awesome! I was pouring sweat, my feet weren't feeling a thing and I was right at that perfect level of exertion where you're working your ass off but not gasping for breath. I have that lovely, warm, loose feeling today instead of aching feet. YES!

I haven't really given my history here but once upon a time I was in shape, a runner even, and miss that feeling. I had it today. I actually wanted to grin on that elliptical I was feeling so good. The downside is that I really shouldn't have been on that treadmill. Those blisters are KILLING me now. That part was a very bad idea. I am going to see if I can do a whole 60 minutes on the elliptical tomorrow. No more walking on these blisters until they heal.

But still, I figured out the elliptical! Yay me!

Week 4, Day 1

So, the new shoes were much better except for a blister. My husband informed me after the fact that I should have eased into them slowly. Thanks, hon. But no heel pain, really no noticeable pain other than the blister, which is high on the ball of my foot, under the big toe. Interesting. I mean sure, my feet don't feel pleasant when I walk for an hour because, hello, I am walking for an hour and I have a lot more weight than my wee feet should carry. But it was better. And I only noticed one person staring at my feet. Ha!

I am trying to make better choices for the whole family so when I grocery shopped today, I did not buy any snacky crap. My young one was not pleased. "What am I supposed to eat?" he cried. Um, bananas, apples, raisins? Popcorn if you must have crunchy, salty. He ended up eating an apple because the Honeycrisps are back! The best apple ever. I've got to remember that he'll protest a little but then he gets over it and eats a fruit if he is truly hungry.

Speaking of better choices, I made a meal the other night that sort of confounded me. It was a whole chicken, roasted on a bed of potatoes and onions. I have made it many times before and it is very delicious. I wasn't planning on making it anymore since I am on a "diet" but meat was expensive last week and a whole chicken is just 88 cents per pound, so I ended up with a bird. But even though it seems much too decadent to be "diet food" it IS whole, real food. A whole chicken, just salted, a bit of butter on the bottom of the pan, fresh potatoes, fresh onions. And I made fresh Brussels sprouts to go with. Just real food. And I thought it was kind of ridiculous to worry about a meal like that. Fortunately, when I weighed in the next morning, the scale was down so I felt justified. It is certainly something to think about.

Week 3, Day 7

I got some new shoes today! I tend to go barefoot unless I am out in public. For a while I wore flip-flops almost all the time when I had to wear shoes but my feet really began to bother me and some research pinned the shoes as the culprit. I swore off them and sure enough, the foot pain disappeared. My feet are hurting a little again and I am thinking it's my crappy athletic shoes. I hate putting them on and I can't wait to get them off. My husband has recently become a convert to the Vibram FiveFingers. And I thought that would probably be a good thing for me as well. So I did some research and decided I wanted a pair. Today we went in to a local store that sells them and I tried on a few different pairs before settling on the FiveFingers Classic. I can't wait to get to the gym tomorrow and try them out!

Week 3, Day 4

This weekend was terrible. My mother came to visit and she arrived early on Friday, which essentially turned it into a 4-day weekend for my diet. Weekends are always hard for me so this sucked because she insists on eating out for almost every meal. Maybe my kitchen frightens her, I don't know. So I started out OK, I had veggie sandwiches for lunch and dinner on Friday. Saturday my son had a baseball tournament, so breakfast was out. I started to slip, had a chicken biscuit from Chick-Fil-A but I did get fruit instead of hash browns. Lunch was Mexican food and I did OK, chicken soft tacos and a few bites of my husband's nachos. I skipped dinner because I went to a concert. Sunday we had a cinnamon pizza since my husband had gone to Papa Murphy's the night before while I was out. Yeah, I ate some and then it wasn't so great. I made orange chicken for lunch, only ate a little but still . . . dinner was grabbed on the way to the lake, Jack in the Box, completely off course until Monday night. *sigh*

I expected the worst when I weighed in on Tuesday morning but I had only gained a couple of pounds which were gone again by Wednesday morning. And today I was down another pound. So, I survived it.

I've stopped going to the strength training class but I feel like I need to do some. I am really not thrilled about waddling around the weight section of the gym. Stupid, I know, but there it is. So I need to start doing something at home until I feel better about going over there. I didn't like the classes because I am a big believer in modification. It's something I have taken from Susan Powter and the yoga instructors are very big on it as well and then I go into this "sculpting" class and hear that we need to do 10 push ups and "not on your knees! Come on, you can do it!" Well actually, no, I can't. I'm fat, I don't have a lot of upper body strength yet and I am carrying around an extra 75 pounds, so no, I can't, in fact, do real push ups. She did some version of telling us NOT to modify in both classes I attended. So, meh. I'll do a Susan Powter DVD at home for strength training or just grab my hand weights and put together my own routine.

Week 2, Day 1

I'll be frank. I think this is the longest I have stuck to anything diet related in quite some time. I can't believe how easy it has been. And I mean easy in that I am not starving, the food's not gross. My workouts have been grueling, but a routine really fell together for me. I'm a little obsessive right now and I kind of think you have to be. I am constantly talking to myself about why I need to do this. I look up success stories and photos online. Even though I am not doing Jenny Craig I read about Sara Rue's journey because, wow, she looks amazing.

I was thinking today that this journey sort of parallels pregnancy in a way. When you first find out you're expecting, it is exciting but the goal is nine months away and at first you don't even get to look pregnant. But as you grow, people begin to notice and then one day you have your child. At the start of this journey, I've got probably nine months or more to my goal and right now no one can even see that I am working on it. And then I thought, as you approach your due date people start hassling you about getting induced and crap and when you reach the ballpark of your goal people start hassling you about getting too thin. Ha!

Week 1, Day 7

I love the weekend but hate it as far as my routine goes. Weekends are usually the kiss of death for any diet I try. This morning my son had baseball games so my husband decided we'd stop at McD's on the way. Thanks, hon. I got the fruit and yogurt parfait, which as it turns out is about 160 calories. It sucked. I mean it tasted fine but it was tiny and I was surrounded by the smell of everyone else's biscuits and hash browns. Hmpf. But I did it. I didn't come up with some reason why it would be OK for me to eat the "good" stuff "just this once."

The really tough thing about the beginning of this journey is how far away the finish line is. So, rather than focus on that, I am trying to focus on much shorter term goals. It'll take forever to reach goal but my clothes can be looser in a couple of months. Just gotta focus on things like that.

Week 1 Day 6

I began in earnest this week to get my shit together. I signed up for the Biggest Loser Club, partially to get some meal ideas (and I was hoping some other tools, but there's not much there that I find useful.) But also partially because I got three books when I signed up and even if I don't continue with the membership beyond the initial three months, that's a good deal. Part of why I haven't lost weight before now is my own head. I have read probably every diet and nutrition book known to man. And with that comes information overload. I know the dangers of fat AND carbs AND protein. But ya gotta eat. So I had this ideal diet in my head and if I couldn't live up to it, why bother? But I have managed to eat well this week, without being terribly hungry. And I am still eating meat and a little processed food, but overall my diet was good. I gave up the dream that I would someday be a super duper healthy vegan who shops only at Whole Foods. But I also gave up the reality of eating crap and too much of it.

I also started going to the gym steadily instead of once every two weeks. I did about an hour of cardio every day plus a yoga class. Except Wednesday, there was no class that day and I chose to take a breather. Now that I have seen the classes, I like the instructor who teaches Mondays and Fridays the best. That works out really well because on Tuesdays and Thursdays there are strength training classes. I think I might make Wednesday a light day instead of taking it off entirely and then take the weekends off. 5 hours of cardio plus two yoga classes and two strength classes sounds like a really good mix.

I started on Monday and I am down four pounds so far. I truly feel like I have tapped into something that I can do for the long haul.