Well, I didn't pass out.

That's how I felt about my run today. Like the only good thing to say about it was that at least I didn't keel over on the sidewalk. I am really torn on how to proceed. Part of me says, well, you're doing it, albeit barely, so just keep doing it and eventually it will get better. But part of me thinks I should dial it back and proceed at a much slower pace. I don't see how moving on to week 2 of C25K is a good idea right now. So, keep repeating week one until I am not near death or increase the walking time between running intervals? What to do, what to do . . . I wish that the armband that I ordered for my iPod would come. I really hate doing my runs holding that thing in my hand. But I need the podcast to cue me.

Last night I made what is, conceptually, the perfect dinner. Fish tacos. Mahi mahi, coleslaw, corn tortillas. Fish, tons of fresh veggies, low in calories and very delicious. Too bad my kids hated it. :/ My husband loved it so he wants me to make it again and just make them something else or do what he did last night and give them a pizza. Pffft! I hate that. But I also hate the idea of never making that again because my kids didn't like it. This is part of what makes eating right difficult for me. I want to cook meals that everyone will love. I guess I need to learn to accept that it's just not possible.

I hate that I hate this. I can get excited about exercising but that's only about 20% of the equation. I can get excited about good food but I can also get excited about not so good food and that negates everything, which is so unfair and suckish. I wish this process didn't weigh so heavily on me all the time. I wish I was already where I need to be. But as the song says, "If wishes were horses, I'd have a ranch." I just gotta keep kicking myself in the ass. Move along, little dogie.

Another pound gone!

So, after finally reining the eating back in and re-losing two pounds, I am now down another pound for a total of nine pounds gone! I am so glad to be back on track in that department.

On the way to the gym this morning I looked down and noticed that the inner thigh of my shorts had a giant hole in it. It wasn't unexpected because a) I am fat and b) they were just cheap cotton leggings. But I knew that I couldn't go to the gym like that. Fortunately, there's a Target on the way so I now have "real" athletic leggings to wear. But when I was changing at the gym I looked in the mirror and noticed that my shirt had fallen victim to my son's ink pen that went through the wash. It's not the end of the world, I guess. It's a gym shirt. Holes are unacceptable but a few ink marks are tolerable.

Dinner last night was turkey meatballs. So good. My youngest gave them the hairy eyeball but then tasted one and said, "Wow!" My oldest is much better about trying things and he popped one in his mouth as he was preparing his plate and said, "Oh man, these are good meatballs, mom!" Yesh! Ground turkey is quite possibly the world's greatest invention.

I ran again.

I am really liking this site that I found, dailymile. I entered the length of my run and it let me map out my route and told me how long it was, and then calculated my pace. Very nifty! I also got that cool little widget over there! <--- And as the widget notes, I was running a bit too hard today. I am actually surprised that I am even doing it. It's a lot more running than I realized. Had I looked at it more carefully I might have chosen to ease into it differently, but now that I have done it, I know I can, so no going back.

I still haven't started any strength training and I know I really need to. I'll get to it. The eating is going better. I'm not writing down the calories, maybe I should. I'm just sort of keeping a rough total in my head. And here's the thing. I know that if I stay disciplined about it, that can absolutely work for me. So, I just have to keep the focus and not allow myself to go straying again. If I do, I'll have to track 'em.

A New Day

So, today is grocery day. I am going to plan better and thus, eat better. I really hate counting calories but I figure if I develop an arsenal of meals and snacks that are already figured out, it will make it easier. I have been reading a lot of blogs, seeing what people do, I like the idea that I can eat literally anything if I have the calories for it. It's a lot like WW points, which to me is just fancy calorie counting. You'll gravitate towards better choices because they tend to be lower in calories but every so often you can splurge and have that treat. And I'll keep Friday night dinner as my free meal. Because I haven't gone shopping yet, my choices today have been sparse and not the best nutritionally but I have counted them!

I RAN!!!

I put on my shoes and did it. I went with my husband, which might not be a good idea. He is way taller than me and I was huffing and puffing through our "warmup" because a slow walk for him is not a slow walk for me. He runs faster, too, obviously. I used a podcast that was not like the Couch to 5K I don't think. 20 minutes in and it was still going, I thought the first run was supposed to be 20 minutes total. So anyway, I have another set of podcasts that are definitely C25K and I will use that on Tuesday and count it as Day 1, we'll call today a trial run.

C25K

I'm going to do it! Spirit of the Marathon was an amazing documentary. I can't explain why but I have always been extremely fascinated by running. I have watched the Ironman Triathlon on television many times and I am always just so completely amazed at what people can do. It moves me when people cross the finish line, I cry with them. So I looked into the Couch to 5K program today, I ordered an armband for my iPod and I downloaded podcasts that cue me when to walk/run during my runs. There is a big marathon here in Dallas in early December and I really want to go watch. There's a health and fitness expo, too, so that will be very cool! I worry about running while I am still overweight but I think of this guy and I know I can do it. The last time I ran a 5K was 12 or 13 years ago. It was the Cowtown 5K in Fort Worth. That race is in February. I think I'd like to start by doing it again, so that's my first goal. I can't wait!

Two Posts in One Day!

So, it turns out it was just a glitch and I am now approved to volunteer at school. Yay. But I had turned in an application also to be a substitute teacher and now I am nervous that my application for THAT was rejected due to the glitch that called me a criminal. :/

OK, so, I joined the Biggest Loser Club online when I began this journey. I did it because I got three free books for joining. You can see I am a sucker for books, eh? Anyway, be wary of joining. Whenever I email them their computer chooses some random keyword from the email and spits back the most bizarre responses. I ended up having to call about my books only to be told, oh YOU don't get the free books. No explanation. So I demanded a refund and lo and behold, they decided I could have them after all. But they never came so I called the other day and got some wacky woman who told me that they were on the way and I should send them back when they arrive. Um, OK? She got kind of snarky with me when I asked her why. More time goes by and I call again to get a shipping date and get a lecture about how I should be patient because they take 5-10 business days, pause, realizes it's well past ten days and says, uh but sometimes longer!

Anyway, they finally arrived today, along with the Jackie Warner book I ordered on Wednesday. So, lots of reading to do! I already looked through the Biggest Loser Family cookbook and I am so pleased. There are lots of really tasty looking things in there that I feel sure my family will actually eat. Yesh! Even though they were pains in the ass over the whole thing, that book looks to be worth its weight in gold. Here's hoping everything tastes as good as it sounds/looks!

I am going to start to spend a little more on groceries. I was whining today about wanting to join Jenny Craig so that someone can just hand me my food. But if I can even consider $100/week for food for myself, I can spend a little more than I have been each week to get things that are fresh and for the whole family.

And now I am going to go watch Spirit of the Marathon. I am so inspired by runners and I so want to become one of them again. But more on that tomorrow . . .

I'm a Child on the Inside

I have really struggled with going to the gym this week. I mean, I did go, Monday through today, an hour of cardio, even when I had morning meetings. Ugh. I just didn't want to! I was plugging away today, pissed off and stressed out and seriously considering shaving off fifteen minutes. But since I had myself as a captive audience, I decided to try and figure out what's going on.I think it comes down to the crappy eating pretty much negating the workouts, which means I am sweating my ass off for no good reason. And of course, that's entirely my own doing. About twelve kinds of ridiculous there.

In addition to being mad at my own self, that's fun, I am incredibly stressed today. My kids' school district requires a criminal background check to do ANYTHING at their school. While it might not be my favorite policy I didn't really worry about it since I always pass it no problem. Until this year. My husband's and mine were not approved and the people I am supposed to call about it don't answer their phones and haven't returned my call. My husband has an incredibly common name, it might as well be John Smith. So I am hoping that it's a mix-up. But that doesn't explain why I am rejected as well unless they auto-reject spouses which is crappy, in my opinion. But part of me has this highly paranoid fear that we did something at some point that we don't even know about and we're about to be arrested and go to jail. Ever watch Tori & Dean and laugh at Tori's irrational fears? Yeah, she ain't got nothin' on me. My friend who works at the school told me it is usually traffic tickets. I know that ain't me so if it is my husband I will hurt him, DUI, same thing, or hot checks. The hot checks makes me nervous even though I rarely even write checks anymore. But I have on a couple of occasions had checks that I was unaware had even bounced come back to haunt me YEARS later. Like back before debit cards, when your check was run through some company, mine passed for years and then one day, poof, a check I had written years earlier suddenly showed up. So I am kind of freaking out thinking this might be the same. Although, I wouldn't think that was CRIMINAL unless it had gone to law enforcement and I would think they would have knocked on my door by now. Who knows? It would sure be nice if these people could return my call.

Creeping Down

My weight is ever so slowly creeping down. I mean like .2 pounds at a time. But I guess it's preferable to going in the opposite direction. I am trying to refocus on eating better. My husband suggested protein bars, which coincidentally I had a couple last week because they were on sale and with a coupon were just fifty cents each. The brand I tried did NOT have a lot of sugar in it and was pretty tasty. But I hate the thought of paying full price for those suckers or for any kind of protein shake. He tells me not to worry about that and I know I shouldn't and yet I still find it hard to spend the money on myself. I feel like I have spent so much on diet "stuff" over the years that I feel guilty every time this sort of issue comes up. Except with books, I can usually justify those to myself, although not always. Maybe I'll go google "delicious protein shake" and "homemade protein bar" and see what I come up with.

Um, oops?

I'm not eating right. I know it. I have to rein myself in somehow. Here's my problem, I just flat-out DO NOT WANT to have to do anything special. I want to eat less but that's about it. I don't want to restrict carbs or fat or eat more protein or count calories or weigh my food. And I totally get that I clearly have to be disciplined to do this, I'm just being honest by saying, "I don't wanna!" I have been very good about going to the gym but one thing I have learned is that the gym isn't where the big numbers come from. Unless maybe you're on the Biggest Loser ranch and working out 6 hours a day. No, my daily 60 minutes of cardio just ain't gonna cut it without the eating to support it. So, what do I do? I order another book. I figure it's not a waste. I enjoy reading, I am curious about some of the finer points of this person's program and I usually take away at least SOMETHING fro every book I read. I don't know if it will be "the plan" for me. Chances are it won't be and that's OK.

I wish I could find it within me to be one of those people who cuts out all sugar or eats "clean" all the time. I HATE not eating when I am hungry. And I hate having to give up things I love. But I hate being fat and something's gotta give. Let me be clear, I am not making any excuses here. I'm just admitting that I am not good at the eating part of my weight loss program and I am fully aware I need to work on it. My weight loss has already stalled out and it is way too early in the game for that.

I watched the season premiere of Biggest Loser last night. Instead of eating ice cream during the show (oh yeah I did that and found it hilarious) I did free step on the Wii Fit. I don't know how many calories that actually burns but hey, it was better than eating ice cream, right? I'm glad the show is back on, it's a motivational boost each week and one that's sorely needed right now. Thintervention is another one I am watching and it's Jackie Warner's book I bought. Man, I'd kill to have the opportunity to be on that show. I'd love to know EXACTLY what those people do every day. I am quite sure, though, that eating Cheetos is not on their plan...

Check Out This Video!

My husband just shared this video with me and thinks that maybe we should set a goal of a marathon?!



Great story!

Eating & Emotions

Feeling better today. My husband and I did a lot of research yesterday and talked to our son quite a bit to really try and lock down a better date of when this pain started. He said it's been going on for about a year. But he has always, since he was a little boy, been way off when talking about time. "Years ago, when I was 5..." and we'd laugh and say "You're only 6 now, dude." Part of why the doctor thought nothing else would work is because it has supposedly been this way for a year. But if it's only been a few months, which we think is the case, then that makes a difference. So anyway, we're going to exhaust all non-surgical options before proceeding with an MRI and surgery. No sports for a while and frankly, I think the kid needs the break, even if he doesn't realize it. He's not complaining AT ALL, which makes me think he must welcome it.

I am glad I didn't "eat down" what I was feeling yesterday. I was hella stressed and cried a lot. I just felt what I felt rather than eating it away. And today is the same day it would have been except that my weight didn't go up. I am the better for feeling the emotions and I know I can do it now. It makes me feel like maybe I am ready to try the things outlined in "Women Food and God" and learn how to eat like a normal person. Time for a re-read.

Week 4, Day 4

Such an incredibly frustrating time I having right now that I can't believe I am not eating my way through it. So I guess the fact that I am not is at least something. My oldest son is an incredibly gifted athlete. I don't say so because I am his mama. Everyone who sees him play tells us so. But we found out today that he will probably have to have surgery on his wrist. It breaks my heart on so many levels. The pain he is going through, the grounding from sports, even his cello will be taken away if he has to have the surgery. And on top of that, as crappy as it is that I must think about it, is the cost. We're already barely treading water at the moment and this is just one more thing. Oh and then there's the possibility that he'll lose range of motion permanently and that adds a whole new dimension of suckitude. But I am not eating my way through this. I am just sitting here crying and feeling crappy, but I'm feeling it, not eating it. Yay me?

I was down another pound today. Eight pounds so far, which is right on target for the pace I set for myself. I did manage to do a whole hour on the elliptical today and my foot is finally feeling better. I do love that elliptical. I always feel so spent after the treadmill. Not in a good way but in a "Oh my gawd, I just walked for an hour and I would like to lie down now" way. When I do the elliptical it's just a totally different feeling. I can't even explain it. Plus, I noticed that with the barefoot shoes, I sounded like I was STOMPING on the treadmill. Clearly, I do walk differently in them and it was weird. And LOUD. And embarrassing!

I was looking at other weight loss blogs the other day and I was looking at someone's before and after photos. It was so inspiring and encouraging to see someone actually DO it. No surgery, no TV show, just hard work. I thought, I'm still in the before shot but man, I CAN get to that after shot! I'm doing it! Eight pounds gone already!

Not Related to Weight Loss

So, I'll want to write about other things from time to time. I will give those posts an actual title other than the week and day. It's funny, I tried to use Blogger before and hated the lack of personalization. So I found this great site today with free backgrounds and such, got all excited and re-did my blog only to find out lots of people are providing free layouts now. Dang! I used to google my fingers off and not find anything! Oh well. I'll probably change it again now that I have even more choices. We'll see!

Just a note . . .

working on the layout!

Hmm, this might be TOO cute. I kinda liked the dark . . .

and done.

Week 4, Day 3

This machine is the one that kicked my ass when I first joined the gym. I tried it out and promptly thought my thighs might be on fire. I don't think I lasted even five minutes. Weeks later I tried it again, same thing. I didn't get it. Old people were on this machine, fat people, how could it hurt me SO BAD and not kill them? Well, yesterday I had to take a day off because the blister on my foot was worse than I imagined and there was another wee one on the same foot. Today I said screw it, I'm going in, it was bearable pain today and constant pain, not getting worse, you know? I figured I would try to do half an hour on the treadmill and see how my feet fared and then move to the recumbent bike when I needed to and take the load off of my feet. As I neared the end of my time on the treadmill, I decided I would try the elliptical again and slowly work my way up to more than 5 minutes. I don't know what went wrong on my first two tries, I suspect I was actually doing it backwards, but this time I got it. And Oh. Em. Gee. It was awesome! I was pouring sweat, my feet weren't feeling a thing and I was right at that perfect level of exertion where you're working your ass off but not gasping for breath. I have that lovely, warm, loose feeling today instead of aching feet. YES!

I haven't really given my history here but once upon a time I was in shape, a runner even, and miss that feeling. I had it today. I actually wanted to grin on that elliptical I was feeling so good. The downside is that I really shouldn't have been on that treadmill. Those blisters are KILLING me now. That part was a very bad idea. I am going to see if I can do a whole 60 minutes on the elliptical tomorrow. No more walking on these blisters until they heal.

But still, I figured out the elliptical! Yay me!

Week 4, Day 1

So, the new shoes were much better except for a blister. My husband informed me after the fact that I should have eased into them slowly. Thanks, hon. But no heel pain, really no noticeable pain other than the blister, which is high on the ball of my foot, under the big toe. Interesting. I mean sure, my feet don't feel pleasant when I walk for an hour because, hello, I am walking for an hour and I have a lot more weight than my wee feet should carry. But it was better. And I only noticed one person staring at my feet. Ha!

I am trying to make better choices for the whole family so when I grocery shopped today, I did not buy any snacky crap. My young one was not pleased. "What am I supposed to eat?" he cried. Um, bananas, apples, raisins? Popcorn if you must have crunchy, salty. He ended up eating an apple because the Honeycrisps are back! The best apple ever. I've got to remember that he'll protest a little but then he gets over it and eats a fruit if he is truly hungry.

Speaking of better choices, I made a meal the other night that sort of confounded me. It was a whole chicken, roasted on a bed of potatoes and onions. I have made it many times before and it is very delicious. I wasn't planning on making it anymore since I am on a "diet" but meat was expensive last week and a whole chicken is just 88 cents per pound, so I ended up with a bird. But even though it seems much too decadent to be "diet food" it IS whole, real food. A whole chicken, just salted, a bit of butter on the bottom of the pan, fresh potatoes, fresh onions. And I made fresh Brussels sprouts to go with. Just real food. And I thought it was kind of ridiculous to worry about a meal like that. Fortunately, when I weighed in the next morning, the scale was down so I felt justified. It is certainly something to think about.

Week 3, Day 7

I got some new shoes today! I tend to go barefoot unless I am out in public. For a while I wore flip-flops almost all the time when I had to wear shoes but my feet really began to bother me and some research pinned the shoes as the culprit. I swore off them and sure enough, the foot pain disappeared. My feet are hurting a little again and I am thinking it's my crappy athletic shoes. I hate putting them on and I can't wait to get them off. My husband has recently become a convert to the Vibram FiveFingers. And I thought that would probably be a good thing for me as well. So I did some research and decided I wanted a pair. Today we went in to a local store that sells them and I tried on a few different pairs before settling on the FiveFingers Classic. I can't wait to get to the gym tomorrow and try them out!

Week 3, Day 4

This weekend was terrible. My mother came to visit and she arrived early on Friday, which essentially turned it into a 4-day weekend for my diet. Weekends are always hard for me so this sucked because she insists on eating out for almost every meal. Maybe my kitchen frightens her, I don't know. So I started out OK, I had veggie sandwiches for lunch and dinner on Friday. Saturday my son had a baseball tournament, so breakfast was out. I started to slip, had a chicken biscuit from Chick-Fil-A but I did get fruit instead of hash browns. Lunch was Mexican food and I did OK, chicken soft tacos and a few bites of my husband's nachos. I skipped dinner because I went to a concert. Sunday we had a cinnamon pizza since my husband had gone to Papa Murphy's the night before while I was out. Yeah, I ate some and then it wasn't so great. I made orange chicken for lunch, only ate a little but still . . . dinner was grabbed on the way to the lake, Jack in the Box, completely off course until Monday night. *sigh*

I expected the worst when I weighed in on Tuesday morning but I had only gained a couple of pounds which were gone again by Wednesday morning. And today I was down another pound. So, I survived it.

I've stopped going to the strength training class but I feel like I need to do some. I am really not thrilled about waddling around the weight section of the gym. Stupid, I know, but there it is. So I need to start doing something at home until I feel better about going over there. I didn't like the classes because I am a big believer in modification. It's something I have taken from Susan Powter and the yoga instructors are very big on it as well and then I go into this "sculpting" class and hear that we need to do 10 push ups and "not on your knees! Come on, you can do it!" Well actually, no, I can't. I'm fat, I don't have a lot of upper body strength yet and I am carrying around an extra 75 pounds, so no, I can't, in fact, do real push ups. She did some version of telling us NOT to modify in both classes I attended. So, meh. I'll do a Susan Powter DVD at home for strength training or just grab my hand weights and put together my own routine.