Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow . . .

you're only a day away! I am looking forward to tomorrow for so many reasons. Getting back on track with this weight loss effort is just one of them.

My big project at my kid's school - clean up the decorations in the morning and I am done.

Halloween - over.

My mom - gone.

The house - pretty clean!

I need to grocery shop and I must work out but I am really inclined to nap again tomorrow. I was up very late last night driving home from the haunted festival we went to. Up too early and no sleep since my little guy crawled into bed with us. He enjoyed the festival but he's just at that age where it was fun but still freaked him out a bit. I napped today but it wasn't a good one and I will be up too late again tonight watching the Ghost Hunters live special. (scratch that, I will record it and watch it un-live tomorrow, I'm pooped!) And my feet are killing me from all of the walking last night and trick or treating tonight. I feel like I could sleep for days. I'm so drained from all of the stuff of life these past few days and now that it's over that deep sense of relief kicks in. For a little bit anyway and then we have THE HOLIDAYS! *horror movie scream*

I just hopped on the Wii Fit to ensure that I have not, in fact, gained back the entire ten pounds. It shows me at eight down. Two to re-lose, maybe a wee bit less since we tend to weigh more at night, plus I have a late dinner sitting in my tummy. I am not thrilled about it, no. But considering how completely off-course I have been, that's actually not bad. One of my favorite blogs to read is Escape from Obesity. She wrote the other day about the key being to never give up. I find myself really feeling that way this time. Instead of throwing out the baby with the bath water I am telling myself, OK, so you took a breather, not ideal but get going again. This is something I normally do not do. It's progress.

Duh.

I constantly wonder why I am so tired. I think because I don't weigh a giant number, that I, and the people around me, forget that it's all relative. I am carrying around at least 60 extra pounds on a tiny frame. I am 5'2" on a good day and I am not big-boned. Geez, now that I think about it, yeah it makes sense that I am constantly exhausted. I wish I could say that I am starting JW's program today, or tomorrow. But I need to shop. Tomorrow is date night. This weekend is a baseball tournament, Halloween and my mother is likely to be in town. It's not going to happen until Monday. Another flippin' Monday. Wait til Monday. I'll start on Monday. *sigh*

I think I need to steer clear of the Internets.

Between the people saying that fat people are gross and curly hair is gross, I have no self esteem left. I mean, look, I know better. People tell me all the time how great my curls are and how they can't believe my hair just does that all on its own. The fat part is harder to gloss over. I know, I know I shouldn't care what random idiots on the internet think. But it still stings.

However, I did happen upon something quite helpful. I was looking through my book that I plan to use and saw some menus. Normally, those diet book menus suck. I don't like half the food or they ask me to eat some weird tiny portion, like three olives, leaving me with a bunch of the whatever left over. The first menu was for "people who like to cook." It was OK, seven days of meals. But then there was the menu for "noncookers." This was so excellent. Simple, simple stuff. Very little processed crap, a slice of bread here, a pita pocket there. I added up a day and it was about 1500 calories. And it was thirty days!

I don't suffer from any delusions that I can follow this menu perfectly every single day, but I think that if I give it my best, it will really, really help me. And JW (Jackie Warner, the author) allows for two cheat meals per week. The holidays are coming, I can't and won't be perfect, as I said. But I can stick to it most days, I reckon! No one is shopping for me or handing me the food, but the menu is planned and making a list from that is easy. And the dinners call for four ounces of a protein, so I can just cook a pork tenderloin for the whole family, for example, and weigh out my portion.

I won't pretend I don't hate measuring and counting. But I have to get disciplined for this to happen. Suck it up and do the work. No more trying to wing it, that's clearly not working for me.

Marie Claire strikes again!

You can read the "lovely" article here.

Should anyone ever wonder why I am loathe to use the strength training portion of my gym? Try this quote on for size:

"To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room."

Now, I don't know whether I meet the author's definition of a very, very fat person. But I meet mine and thus I automatically insert myself in that scenario. That article got a lot of comments expressing dismay at the attitude but subsequent articles about the fallout have discussions in their comments sections about fat people that are disturbing, to say the least.

I don't want to lift weights at my gym because I worry that people are wrinkling their noses in disgust at the fat lady on the pec deck. Now I know it's not all in my head. I'll just do my strength work at home, thanks.

In the interest of full disclosure...

I find myself repeatedly falling off of the wagon and finding it harder and harder to get back on. The damage isn't bad. I was up two pounds yesterday. I didn't check today. I tried on a shirt yesterday that clung to me like shrink wrap. I cried and cried. I am already so tired of this journey and it has only just begun. I haven't even been working out lately!

I have written before about how I don't want to follow any rules but I am wondering if I need some rules. If I had the cash, I would do Jenny Craig. I would love for someone to hand me a menu and the food, no planning, no shopping, no cooking. But that is just not in the budget right now. What is in the budget, that I have yet to do for myself, is to buy the food I need. I keep trying to buy the usual foods for my family and just control my portions. We don't eat crazy, there's not tons of junk food laying around, but at the same time I am not buying myself all of the healthy things I need because I am worried about adding to the grocery budget. I mean, I can't cook for me and get my kids to eat it. I make things I know they'll like and eat. Again, they don't eat poorly but it's not always the best choice for someone trying to lose weight.

So last night I watched the season finale of Thintervention and I was really impressed by the numbers they put up. They weren't Biggest Loser crazy kind of numbers but it was better than the old 1-2 pounds a week standby. I've got the book they used as their eating plan and I've read most of it. I'll admit, I thought it was "too hard." But I am starting to think I need some more structure, so maybe I'll give it a whirl. I'm going to sit down with the spouse and talk about the grocery budget and what I need. If I do go with this program I need to really commit to it. That means eating what I am supposed to eat, and that means cooking a separate meal for myself. And getting back to the gym/running.

Yeah, I could have abandoned this blog, or came back to pretend I have been super busy and all is well. But the truth is, I have been super busy but all is not well. I am in fail mode. I need to fix it. Immediately.

Oh and p.s. I'll be quite happy with the 1-2 pound/week standby, my point is really that they got results.

Eating.

I was pleased to read this post today by a blogger called MizFit. I was actually thinking about my eating "plan" earlier today which has been to just try and eat "better." I don't want to count calories or track my food and I don't/can't, even when I try to, I just always forget about it. So I have been just listening to my body, trying to eat when I am hungry and don't when I am not. My choices aren't always perfect. In fact, I know that a lot of what I eat could be better and that's what I need to work on. I was wondering earlier today in fact, since I am losing weight so slowly, but am losing it, if I should just continue on this course. I think yes. Would I like this process to be faster? Yes. Maybe it will be faster if I improve the quality of my food more, but yeah, I need to keep beating down the voice in my head telling me to eat less and less.

I need to switch from Cheerios to oatmeal. I need to stop eating granola bars filled with chocolate. But I need to also give up any expectation of perfection. Because not only am I not going to achieve it, I don't really want to. I want to have Chick-Fil-A or Subway now and then. I want to enjoy an ice cream cone every once in a while. But most of the time, I need to be eating much, much better. I am getting there, slowly but surely. Except for today, when hormones compelled me to wolf down far too much "trail mix" aka peanuts, raisins and chocolate chips. Oops. Back on the horse right now, not tomorrow. Pork loin, rice and Brussels sprouts for dinner.

Thinking . . .

Do I want to expand this blog to include more of myself and my interests and not just this weight loss journey? Hmm . . . .

Meaty!

I have been running around all day, volunteering at the school, grocery shopping, even got my workout in. And I came in from shopping just a bit ago and had my choice of snacks and chose . . . sliced chicken breast. I thought I would want the granola bar, but then I realized, no, I really want that pack of chicken right there. That's pretty darn huge for me! I mean, honestly, my eating is nowhere near perfect but this shows me that the changes I am making are working and clearly my body is sending out new signals. I'm glad about that.

So, thinking today and I was thinking about how in this society we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. If you're fat, you should get up off of your lazy ass and do something. But when you do, every choice you make will be judged. Should you really eat that? Aren't you doing too much? Not enough? And if someone doesn't know how hard you work to lose weight they automatically assume that you "did" something. I was reading a blog a while back where someone who had lost a lot of weight ran into someone she hadn't seen in a while and they just assumed she had had weight loss surgery. This isn't a judgment about the surgery itself for those in genuine need, but I think it's telling that we've come to a place where this is the default assumption.

I was reading a little article about Kelly Osbourne the other day. She has lost quite a bit of weight but it has been over quite a long period of time. The comments on the article were various people insisting she's back on drugs or had surgery or "another Hollywood bimbo with an eating disorder." Despite the fact that this weight loss wasn't overnight, no one believed she could have done it any other way. (I know the rags have said she has a thyroid condition she refuses to treat but I don't believe tabloids. I'd have to hear her say that.)

No matter how much a celeb loses or how slowly they lose it, the media will call it "massive amounts" and say it was "lost quickly." And it's dangerous and unhealthy but HEY! Watch the Biggest Loser! We can't win. There are conflicting messages about everything. What to eat, to exercise or not, how to exercise, how much to lose per week. If you focus on yourself too much, you're selfish and/or obsessive but HEY! Watch the Biggest Loser! Now I do watch the Biggest Loser but I am aware that those numbers are unrealistic for me and I don't care right now if anyone calls me selfish or obsessive just because I am doing the work I need to do to get this weight off. But I think about all of the other people out there who don't know that. A while back I had some friends who went on Weight Watchers together. The first week they lost about seven pounds each. The second they lost 2-3 and were so upset and I knew that they wouldn't continue much longer (and they didn't). No amount of explaining could make them understand that the 2-3 was normal and the 7 pounds were the anomaly.

And amidst all of this chaos and commotion we wonder why so many people don't know how to lose the weight. I saw a comment on a weight loss message board from someone who was surprised that sugar had calories. She was making a big pitcher of iced tea every night and sweetening it with sugar and someone told her how many calories are in cup. She was shocked.

We're just a mess aren't we?

Successful Weekend?

I don't want to jinx myself but maybe? I checked in this morning and the weight was good. Today hasn't been terribly off-course, though I didn't get my planned run, so I hope to see tomorrow that I did indeed maintain. I'm getting better about not going nuts when I get put in situations I can't control. Or, *gasp* even choosing to eat something like fast food. I'm eating smaller amounts, having fruit instead of fries, suggesting places like Subway when we need to eat on the run. I am learning how to handle weekends because most of them are spent revolving around baseball and therefore, many times, fast food. I need to get better at planning ahead and taking my own healthy snacks. And boy, water! We were at the ball park yesterday for over 12 hours and I drank way too much diet soda. I have really weaned myself down to one a day or less. I could tell I drank too much, my stomach was not happy. And it made me realize that I used to drink that much on a regular basis. Yikes! Next time, one caffeinated drink to start my day and then nothing but water.

Bleh...

I didn't sleep well last night. I think because I have been trying to be very good about not having caffeine too late in the day and last night we went to Subway after my son's concert and without thinking about it I got a diet Coke. :/ I had a lot of trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Oh, and my big toenail has, well, issues and it was hurting and I kept snagging it on the blanket so I had to get up in the middle of the night and bandage it up. So, yeah I am not feeling like running today. But I think I am going to do it anyway.

I have been sitting here this morning reading about the "drama." I am nosy and curious, so I really hate it when someone writes something like "I'm sure you have all heard about the drama, I am not going to go into it but . . . " No, I hadn't heard, but now I have and I don't know what you're talking about and now I am peeking out my curtains trying to see what's going on! Hehe! But I have powerful Google-fu and tracked it down. You can read it about it here, if you also don't know what drama. I think the six blogs in question look like they'd be interesting to read and I am adding them to my Google Reader to see. I don't think Marie Claire was trying to increase their blogs' readership but that's likely to be the effect.

I think I am going to need a nap, I say that a lot but rarely follow through. However, I am pretty sure I mean it today. Should I nap pre or post-run? That is the question.

Ten pounds gone!

I finally hit the ten pound mark today! Of course, it's entirely my fault that I got sidetracked and took so long to do it. Almost seven weeks, yikes. That's better than nothing, of course, so I won't complain.

I just looked at the blog of someone who just reached her goal weight. And I am crying because it gave me so much hope. I am secretly terrified of aging and I have been so scared that when the fat leaves my face, I will look older. I have seen lots of people that happens to but I guess it's because they are older. This woman is also in her 40's and she looks so much younger now. Wow! What an incentive to keep going!

I have been busy with a big project at my son's school and so I am having to interact with people. I don't like to do that much and it's partially because I am fat. But it's really because I'm weird. And no one wants to be the weird fat lady. You can better get away with the weird when you're stylish. Now, that's not to say that fat people can't be stylish, they certainly can. But I am not. I am a very casual kind of gal. I wear my Halloween t-shirts year-round. That's just one of my quirks. Weird, fat lady. I'm so afraid that's me. But I was thinking about that today and how even if people really aren't thinking that (and I hope they're not) that people don't know the real me. This sad, sloppy person isn't who I am. Well, ok, even when I get thin I'll probably still schlep up to school in leggings and a t-shirt, but you can get away with that better when you're thin. You ever notice that? A fat lady throws her hair up and runs out the door in sweats and no makeup she's a slob, a skinny gal does it and it's so refreshing to see someone go natural! Pffft. I need to get my groove back.

Another thing I was thinking during this discourse with myself is that I am so tired of my life not being what I want it to be, but the saddest part of that is that the things that need fixing are totally fixable, I just "ain't done it." I'm trying now though. Ten pounds gone and I am even tackling Mount Washmore in my bedroom. I will get where I want to be. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like but I'll get there.

People suck.

I'm going to rant a little today. I have always tried to prepare healthy meals for my family, including fresh fruits and vegetables. According to "someone" commenting on a news article the other day, I should be thin! Because if you look at the carts of fat people, you will find them filled with garbage, junk food. But the thin people will have carts loaded with fruits and veggies. I, of course, replied and told them that my cart would surely make their brain implode but it irritates me because there are loads of skinny people out there that think they know us fat people so well and think they know just what our problem is. It's just so simple, they tell us.

sim·ple
   /ˈsɪmpəl/ [sim-puhl],-pler, -plest
–adjective
1.
easy to understand, deal with, use, etc.: a simple matter; simple tools.
2.
not elaborate or artificial; plain: a simple style.

Yep, it's simple. Eat less, move more, lose weight. Simple.

But it is not easy.

eas·y
   /ˈizi/ [ee-zee],eas·i·er, eas·i·est
–adjective
1.
not hard or difficult; requiring no great labor or effort: a book that is easy to read; an easy victory.
2.
free from pain, discomfort, worry, or care: He led an easy life.

No, decidedly not easy.

I'm pooped.

I am so very tired today. So tired, that I decided to listen to my body and stay home from the gym. I've had four strong workouts this week and I will run again tomorrow so I am not stressing about it. What I would really like to do is take a nap. And maybe I will. But I need to clean the kitchen and straighten the living room. Perhaps if I promise myself the nap, I will get the work done faster.