Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow . . .

you're only a day away! I am looking forward to tomorrow for so many reasons. Getting back on track with this weight loss effort is just one of them.

My big project at my kid's school - clean up the decorations in the morning and I am done.

Halloween - over.

My mom - gone.

The house - pretty clean!

I need to grocery shop and I must work out but I am really inclined to nap again tomorrow. I was up very late last night driving home from the haunted festival we went to. Up too early and no sleep since my little guy crawled into bed with us. He enjoyed the festival but he's just at that age where it was fun but still freaked him out a bit. I napped today but it wasn't a good one and I will be up too late again tonight watching the Ghost Hunters live special. (scratch that, I will record it and watch it un-live tomorrow, I'm pooped!) And my feet are killing me from all of the walking last night and trick or treating tonight. I feel like I could sleep for days. I'm so drained from all of the stuff of life these past few days and now that it's over that deep sense of relief kicks in. For a little bit anyway and then we have THE HOLIDAYS! *horror movie scream*

I just hopped on the Wii Fit to ensure that I have not, in fact, gained back the entire ten pounds. It shows me at eight down. Two to re-lose, maybe a wee bit less since we tend to weigh more at night, plus I have a late dinner sitting in my tummy. I am not thrilled about it, no. But considering how completely off-course I have been, that's actually not bad. One of my favorite blogs to read is Escape from Obesity. She wrote the other day about the key being to never give up. I find myself really feeling that way this time. Instead of throwing out the baby with the bath water I am telling myself, OK, so you took a breather, not ideal but get going again. This is something I normally do not do. It's progress.

Duh.

I constantly wonder why I am so tired. I think because I don't weigh a giant number, that I, and the people around me, forget that it's all relative. I am carrying around at least 60 extra pounds on a tiny frame. I am 5'2" on a good day and I am not big-boned. Geez, now that I think about it, yeah it makes sense that I am constantly exhausted. I wish I could say that I am starting JW's program today, or tomorrow. But I need to shop. Tomorrow is date night. This weekend is a baseball tournament, Halloween and my mother is likely to be in town. It's not going to happen until Monday. Another flippin' Monday. Wait til Monday. I'll start on Monday. *sigh*

I think I need to steer clear of the Internets.

Between the people saying that fat people are gross and curly hair is gross, I have no self esteem left. I mean, look, I know better. People tell me all the time how great my curls are and how they can't believe my hair just does that all on its own. The fat part is harder to gloss over. I know, I know I shouldn't care what random idiots on the internet think. But it still stings.

However, I did happen upon something quite helpful. I was looking through my book that I plan to use and saw some menus. Normally, those diet book menus suck. I don't like half the food or they ask me to eat some weird tiny portion, like three olives, leaving me with a bunch of the whatever left over. The first menu was for "people who like to cook." It was OK, seven days of meals. But then there was the menu for "noncookers." This was so excellent. Simple, simple stuff. Very little processed crap, a slice of bread here, a pita pocket there. I added up a day and it was about 1500 calories. And it was thirty days!

I don't suffer from any delusions that I can follow this menu perfectly every single day, but I think that if I give it my best, it will really, really help me. And JW (Jackie Warner, the author) allows for two cheat meals per week. The holidays are coming, I can't and won't be perfect, as I said. But I can stick to it most days, I reckon! No one is shopping for me or handing me the food, but the menu is planned and making a list from that is easy. And the dinners call for four ounces of a protein, so I can just cook a pork tenderloin for the whole family, for example, and weigh out my portion.

I won't pretend I don't hate measuring and counting. But I have to get disciplined for this to happen. Suck it up and do the work. No more trying to wing it, that's clearly not working for me.

Marie Claire strikes again!

You can read the "lovely" article here.

Should anyone ever wonder why I am loathe to use the strength training portion of my gym? Try this quote on for size:

"To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room."

Now, I don't know whether I meet the author's definition of a very, very fat person. But I meet mine and thus I automatically insert myself in that scenario. That article got a lot of comments expressing dismay at the attitude but subsequent articles about the fallout have discussions in their comments sections about fat people that are disturbing, to say the least.

I don't want to lift weights at my gym because I worry that people are wrinkling their noses in disgust at the fat lady on the pec deck. Now I know it's not all in my head. I'll just do my strength work at home, thanks.

In the interest of full disclosure...

I find myself repeatedly falling off of the wagon and finding it harder and harder to get back on. The damage isn't bad. I was up two pounds yesterday. I didn't check today. I tried on a shirt yesterday that clung to me like shrink wrap. I cried and cried. I am already so tired of this journey and it has only just begun. I haven't even been working out lately!

I have written before about how I don't want to follow any rules but I am wondering if I need some rules. If I had the cash, I would do Jenny Craig. I would love for someone to hand me a menu and the food, no planning, no shopping, no cooking. But that is just not in the budget right now. What is in the budget, that I have yet to do for myself, is to buy the food I need. I keep trying to buy the usual foods for my family and just control my portions. We don't eat crazy, there's not tons of junk food laying around, but at the same time I am not buying myself all of the healthy things I need because I am worried about adding to the grocery budget. I mean, I can't cook for me and get my kids to eat it. I make things I know they'll like and eat. Again, they don't eat poorly but it's not always the best choice for someone trying to lose weight.

So last night I watched the season finale of Thintervention and I was really impressed by the numbers they put up. They weren't Biggest Loser crazy kind of numbers but it was better than the old 1-2 pounds a week standby. I've got the book they used as their eating plan and I've read most of it. I'll admit, I thought it was "too hard." But I am starting to think I need some more structure, so maybe I'll give it a whirl. I'm going to sit down with the spouse and talk about the grocery budget and what I need. If I do go with this program I need to really commit to it. That means eating what I am supposed to eat, and that means cooking a separate meal for myself. And getting back to the gym/running.

Yeah, I could have abandoned this blog, or came back to pretend I have been super busy and all is well. But the truth is, I have been super busy but all is not well. I am in fail mode. I need to fix it. Immediately.

Oh and p.s. I'll be quite happy with the 1-2 pound/week standby, my point is really that they got results.

Eating.

I was pleased to read this post today by a blogger called MizFit. I was actually thinking about my eating "plan" earlier today which has been to just try and eat "better." I don't want to count calories or track my food and I don't/can't, even when I try to, I just always forget about it. So I have been just listening to my body, trying to eat when I am hungry and don't when I am not. My choices aren't always perfect. In fact, I know that a lot of what I eat could be better and that's what I need to work on. I was wondering earlier today in fact, since I am losing weight so slowly, but am losing it, if I should just continue on this course. I think yes. Would I like this process to be faster? Yes. Maybe it will be faster if I improve the quality of my food more, but yeah, I need to keep beating down the voice in my head telling me to eat less and less.

I need to switch from Cheerios to oatmeal. I need to stop eating granola bars filled with chocolate. But I need to also give up any expectation of perfection. Because not only am I not going to achieve it, I don't really want to. I want to have Chick-Fil-A or Subway now and then. I want to enjoy an ice cream cone every once in a while. But most of the time, I need to be eating much, much better. I am getting there, slowly but surely. Except for today, when hormones compelled me to wolf down far too much "trail mix" aka peanuts, raisins and chocolate chips. Oops. Back on the horse right now, not tomorrow. Pork loin, rice and Brussels sprouts for dinner.

Thinking . . .

Do I want to expand this blog to include more of myself and my interests and not just this weight loss journey? Hmm . . . .